


Tenshi no Yakusoku (An Angel's Promise)

by aegicheezu



Series: Yuuwaku (Temptation) - an eternal love story [2]
Category: BUCK-TICK, Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drinking, Fluffy, M/M, Starvation, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-17 01:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Atsushi is visited by an angel who brings him a special gift: a visit from Hide.*Hide is capitalized for ease of reading.





	Tenshi no Yakusoku (An Angel's Promise)

Atsushi couldn’t sleep. How many days has it been? He thought, desperately. Since the accident, his eyes seemed to be permanently filled with tears. He wiped them away, but new tears appeared instantaneously. His pretty mouth forever twisted in a sob, he whimpered softly in the lonely night. I miss you so much, he thought. Why did you have to leave me? Why did God take you away from me? Our lives were just beginning… He slammed a fist down against the soft bedding. Perhaps it was simply his mind that was torturing him, but he believed he could still smell Hide in the sheets. 

He tossed and turned until his face was buried in a pillow. He let out a guttural sob, like an animal mourning. In that moment, he didn’t much care if his neighbors heard him; his grief overwhelmed every muscle in his body, and he cried and cried. A thousand thoughts flooded his tired mind: Hide braiding his long hair just after a shower, pausing to kiss the top of Atsushi’s head as he worked; writing songs together and singing them softly to get the rhythms just right; the moonlight shining on their naked bodies through half-opened curtains. With every memory, though happy ones, Atsushi counted his grievances against the gods. Are you up there now? He thought desperately. Can’t you see how much I’m suffering…?

He knew that tonight, again, he knew he would not sleep. 

 

*

 

The sun fell on Atsushi’s open eyes after another night of fitful sleep. Eyes red and strained from crying, he forced himself up and out of bed. He sat on the edge of his mattress, hair in his eyes. It was no longer as long and soft as it once was; he’d cut it around the same time as Hide had done; a sort of pact. He brushed his fingers through his hair, shorter now, and remembered the night he’d decided to cut it all off.

“I’m thinking of changing my look, Acchan,” Hide had said, as the other man stood behind him, attempting to tame it in a fire-engine red ponytail.   
“Oh?” Atsushi questioned. “How so?”  
“I’d like to cut my hair.” Atsushi tugged playfully at Hide’s ponytail in his hands and tilted his head for a kiss.   
“Will you keep it red?” Atsushi asked. “It’s iconic.”  
“I’d like to dye it pink, actually.”  
“That’s a drastic change, Hide.” Atsushi thought for another moment. “But it could be really cool.”  
“Will you cut it for me?” Hide asked softly.   
Atsushi twirled the other man’s long hair in his hands. “Only if you cut mine for me, then,” he said smiling.   
“How romantic,” Hide had teased, smiling up at Atsushi. “Alright, deal.”   
A kiss. 

Atsushi blinked the memory away as tears began forming, again. Is this how I will live my life now? He wondered. He slowly padded to the kitchen. A pile of dishes lay in the sink, unwashed and neglected. He opened and shut his cupboards, staring into them not knowing what to eat. I’m not even hungry, he thought bitterly. He did the same thing with his fridge; staring into it, he scanned its contents. Beer, wilted vegetables, and leftover gyoza from too long ago to eat safely. He shut the door, sighing. 

Unbidden, the melody for the last song he wrote came into his head. Should I sing your song for you, Hide? I wrote it for you, after all. I didn’t think my nightmare would come true, but it did, didn’t it? He hummed the beginning of the tune, voice shaking. I hate performing this song, he thought. I hate it. But I have to. I have to get it out, over and over and over again… until it stops hurting… will that day ever come? He blinked hard, trying for once not to cry at the thought of life without Hide. He reached for a half-finished bottle of beer and drank the rest of it in one sitting, the bitter liquid stinging his throat on the way down. He hadn’t been to the shop to buy fresh food in days, maybe weeks. All he had was his impressive stash of different beers, and he was going through that supply very quickly. 

He slumped against the refrigerator door and brought his knees to his chest, covering his head with his hands. Atsushi began to softly weep for the thousandth time. What should I do with my day today? He wondered, pitifully. Buck-Tick was taking a short break – Yoshiki and X were, too, of course. I could call him, Atsushi thought. At least we could drink and cry together. After a moment, he decided not to. I don’t want him to see me like this, he thought. 

The day ahead of him seemed so long; in truth, in the following days, he really had felt like dying – though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone else. Part of him wished he could just end everything and rejoin Hide in heaven, like in the song he’d written years before, lyrics that flowed from his pen after a fitful and horrid nightmare that ended up coming true. Now, the morning sun seemed to laugh in his face with its beauty. I will still rise in the sky every day, the sun seemed to jeer, and every day you will be alone. 

Fuck off, Atsushi cursed the sky. I never wanted any of this… I would give up everything in this world to be able to have Hide back.

He stayed curled up next to the refrigerator for what seemed like hours, but it was only a few minutes before he was brought out of his thoughts by a knock at his door.   
“Who the hell is that?” he wondered aloud. How long had it been since he actually spoke? His voice was hoarse and burned in his throat. He stood up with a swooping gesture and padded over to the front door.   
“Yes, what is it?” he asked bitterly, as he opened the door.   
There stood a thin young man, in a white parcel delivery uniform. He wore a blue cap and a bright smile on his youthful face, irrationally upsetting Atsushi.   
“What do you want?” He asked, his eyes shooting daggers at the young man.   
“Good morning!” The man replied, unfazed by Atsushi’s brusqueness. “My name is Gabriel.” He extended a hand for Atsushi to shake. Studying it suspiciously, he finally extended his own, and shook the strangers hand.   
“Sorry, what do you want?” Atsushi asked again.   
“I have a special delivery for you, Sakurai-san,” Gabriel said brightly, glancing at his clipboard.   
“But I haven’t sent away for anything,” Atsushi replied, puzzled. He wiped his eyes, suddenly aware of how red and tired they must look.   
“Allow me to explain, Sakurai-san,” Gabriel said kindly, “I have a message from someone very important to you.” He produced a letter from his bag. “This should answer all your questions.” He handed the letter over to Atsushi with both hands; Atsushi took it, bowing his head slightly in thanks. He studied the letter; nothing immediately special about it – he looked back up to thank Gabriel, but when he did, he’d disappeared. 

“…What the hell…?” Atsushi was left there, in his doorway, confused. He shook his head. The letter was still in his hand; he hadn’t imagined the scene.   
Dumbfounded, he turned back into his apartment, shutting the front door behind him.   
He leaned against the door and turned the letter over in his hands. In the back of his mind he thought briefly that the paper smelled of Hide – he knew of course, that was impossible. Still, his mind wandered and rested on an image of his lover’s delicate face, framed in his hallway. He was smiling, a backstage photo that Toshi had taken from years before, and had given to Atsushi after the accident.   
He slipped the letter into his pajama pant’s pocket and wandered to his sofa. What was all that about? He pondered. Slowly, he took the letter out and examined it again. It wasn’t addressed to anyone; how did the courier know it was for him?  
At last, curiosity overwhelmed him and carefully, with his thumbnail, he ripped the edges of the envelope and slid the letter out, almost reverently.   
Once his eyes fell upon the first line, they filled with tears. It was Hide’s handwriting; distinctive, unmistakable. But how could that be? He blinked hard, but the writing remained. What was happening? He brought the paper close to his face – it was Hide’s cologne after all! The sweet scent made Atsushi’s lip tremble, and a cry spilled from his lips. He held the letter to his chest and bent his head, wailing softly. What was this? 

My love – 

It’s me. I’m sorry you’re in pain. Please believe that my death was an accident. I have not taken my eyes off you since my soul left this world. Do you believe in heaven? That’s where I am now. I’ve been watching over you all this time. Seeing you cry for me every day has broken my heart into a million pieces. Watching you waste away alone at home – it hurts. I know you think about dying, too – I can feel the way you think, and it hurts my soul. I never wanted you to be in so much pain. 

I want you to know that you must keep living. You must find your fighting spirit and battle every day. I’m sorry I am not by your side. I was the one who made you promise to stay with me forever, and then I was the one to leave you – for that, I am truly sorry. I miss you every moment, from heaven. Do you believe me? God has seen my crying face every second. These weeks have passed like an eternity for both of us. It isn’t fair. I love you more and more each day, from heaven. For your persistent love, God has granted me the blessing of being able to see you again. Please watch the full moon, I will be with you soon, my love. Until then, please don’t cry for me.   
Stay alive, please, for me. 

I love you. 

\- Hide

Atsushi couldn’t believe the words he read. Was this a prank? How could it be? If it was, who would have wanted to hurt him in this way? But… if this was real… what did that mean? His mind raced. He rolled his head back and stared at the ceiling, and allowed himself to cry loudly. His heaves and wails rocked the walls of his small apartment; he didn’t care who might have heard him. Since the accident, he had cried like this many times. His body was used to being shaken by sobs, like a mother lioness who lost her children. His fingers, trembling, gently caressed the thick paper of this heavenly letter. Was he going insane? Is this the end for me? Atsushi thought. I must be losing my mind… he crudely wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Still… he wondered when the next full moon would be. 

For the rest of the day, Atsushi tossed and turned in bed. His dreams were always, always about Hide. When he did manage to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time, he awoke with tears in his eyes. By just after 2pm, his stomach growled, begging to be fed solid food for the first time in days. He rolled out of bed and went into his kitchen, filthy with rotting fruits and neglect. There was a solitary packet of instant ramen that he, at last, consented to eat.   
Waiting for the water to boil, he sat at his computer. I might as well look up when the next full moon will be, he thought. Even if I can’t see Hide again, I can at least drink under a shining moon. After clicking through a few websites, he found his answer. Two days, and the moon would be full and high in the sky.   
The kettle whistled. 

One of the things that Atsushi always did best was write down how he was feeling. Growing up, he filled notebooks with his thoughts and poetic scribbles; one day, he turned them into songs. That was how he handled everything; he was never the best at talking with others about his feelings, but he could talk to paper. So, on the night of the full moon, as the sun went down, he sat on the floor with a pen in his hand. 

 

Hide – 

My most precious love. I don’t know if I will be able to see you. This whole thing might be an awful prank. I don’t know. I want to believe that it’s real. There is so much I want to tell you. Perhaps, you have seen it all from heaven. I wonder how many tears I have cried since you left me? How many swimming pools could I fill? I myself don’t even know. I haven’t been able to sleep through the night since the accident. I haven’t eaten real food in days, maybe weeks. I can’t even drink your beer that’s still in my fridge. I visit your grave all the time, at night, when the fans are gone. Can you smell the thousands of flowers that have been left for you? I talk to you often. Sometimes, I imagine how you would answer me. I still hear your voice so clearly in my head, it’s almost like we’re having a real conversation. Some nights, when I want to die from loneliness, I can feel your touch. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can feel your lips on my skin as though you were lying next to me. Is that possible? I wonder. 

A man delivered your message to me. I could not believe it, at first. But my heart is so broken, that I have willed myself to believe that it is really a letter from you. So, tonight, I will wait for you under the full moon. 

I will go on living, only for you. 

\- Atsushi 

The moon climbed higher and higher in the sky; Atsushi had torn down the curtains of his living room window to reveal large windows, letting the moonlight shower every surface with a glowing white light. He stood, face pressed against the glass, watching the beautiful white orb ascending in the blackness. He couldn’t bring himself to tear his eyes away for even a moment, unsure of what he was supposed to witness.   
His heartbeat grew louder, expectant. 

Almost comically, his digital alarm clock struck midnight with an annoying buzz. He scrambled across the room to turn it off, practically hurling it against the wall. He bounded back to the window, terrified that he might have missed – missed what? – anything, any sign at all that he wasn’t losing his mind.   
Forehead plastered to the cool glass, Atsushi failed to notice the soft, blurred apparition appear behind him. 

“Acchan,” a soft voice came from behind. “Acchan.” it called a second time.   
Atsushi spun around, startled by the noise. He knew that voice – it nearly made his heart break. Standing in his apartment, softly glowing, was Hide.   
“…Hide…?” Atsushi’s eyes filled with tears for the hundredth time that day. He stepped closer, cautiously extending a shaking hand, desperate to touch the other man. Hide closed the gap between them, and embraced Atsushi.   
“It’s me, Atsushi.” Hide whispered, his voice like a delicate bell.   
“How…? How?” Atsushi kept repeating, sobbing into Hide’s shoulder. “I’m losing my mind…”  
Hide guided Atsushi to the sofa, where they had once shared countless hours together. “You read my letter, Acchan.” Hide smiled. “You waited for me.”  
“Of course I did…” Atsushi couldn’t stop touching the other man. Feeling his face, his bright pink hair, his chest, his hands – just to make sure he was truly there with him. “Have you come back to me?” He tentatively kissed him, and breathed a heavy sigh of relief – he still tasted the same, his lips still warm and soft, like they had always been.   
“Atsushi…” Hide said softly against the other man’s lips, “let me tell you everything…” He smoothed Atsushi’s hair. “The gods have allowed me to see you, Atsushi,” he kissed him again. “I can’t come back permanently, but I can spend one night with you every month.”  
“I feel like Persephone,” Atsushi joked, despite himself. “The gods are real?”  
“Yes,” Hide explained. “Heaven is a beautiful place. But, I’ve missed you so…” he kissed Atsushi’s forehead. “The gods and spirits grew tired of me crying so much. So, they made a deal with me.”  
“A deal?”  
“I promised I would show the river god how to play the guitar.”  
Atsushi laughed, kicking his feet out. “Are you serious?!” Hide laughed, too.   
“I play for the gods every day.” He smiled. “It’s like a payment for letting me visit you.”   
“They don’t ask for much, do they?” Atsushi grinned. I can’t believe my eyes, he thought.   
“Because the gods enjoy my music so much when I play and sing for them, they’ve granted me my human body for every full moon each month. And I will spend those nights with you, forever.” Hide said softly, repeating the conditions like an incantation. “For as long as the gods allow me, I’ll be with you, like this…” he kissed Atsushi again, deeply. He twirled Atsushi’s hair in his fingers, holding tightly to the other man.   
“Hide… I love you,” Atsushi whispered between kisses, “I love you,” he repeated, again and again. “Tell me,” he ventured, “your earthly body…” he ran a hand down Hide’s chest. “Is it… just as it was?”  
Hide grinned like a child with a secret. “Oh, Acchan,” he cooed, “don’t you want to see for yourself?” He took the other’s hand and walked him towards the bedroom.   
Atsushi’s heart was full to bursting. As he lay next to Hide on the bed, both bathed in moonlight, his eyes began to well up. “Are you really…” he began, trying to stifle his sobs, “are you really here with me?”   
Hide smiled, stroking Atsushi’s hair. “Yes, my love, I’m here. See?” He took Atsushi’s hand and rested it against his heart. Atsushi was taken aback – there was a steady, strong heartbeat. He looked into Hide’s eyes, and saw himself reflected. Atsushi kissed the other man, wrapping his arms around his frame, drawing him as close as he could.   
Hide himself held back tears. Heaven is beautiful, but it’s a lonely place without you, he thought. He stifled his own sobs with kisses along Atsushi’s face and neck. Soon, the familiar touches and soft sounds slipping from the mouths of both men once again filled the small bedroom. It was as if no time had passed at all; gentle, tentative kisses gave way to desperate caresses and familiar clawing at bare skin. Atsushi found himself straddled on top of Hide, who gazed up at Atsushi with the same loving, hungry eyes that had burned into his soul the first night they’d spent together. Atsushi felt overwhelmed. A thousand emotions raced through his body, as he watched Hide’s form beneath him. The urgency with which he had undressed had fled, now, and he collapsed on top of Hide, nestling his face in the other’s neck and began to softly weep.   
“It’s okay, Acchan,” Hide stroked Atsushi’s back as he lay on top of him. “Tonight, we can just lie together, and cry, and sleep…”  
Atsushi wrapped his arms around Hide, and the two men lay there, tangled within each other, in the sheets, as the moon continued to shine.   
“If this is a dream I never want to wake up.” Atsushi said softly, at last.   
“It’s not a dream Acchan,” Hide replied sweetly. “But I’ll have to return to Heaven in a few more hours. You understand that, don’t you?” He kissed Atsushi softly.   
“…yes,” Atsushi said after a while, saddened. “But you promise to return to me every full moon?”  
“Forever.”  
“And if I should die…?” Atsushi wondered out loud. Could I rejoin you sooner, in heaven?  
“Don’t you dare,” Hide cautioned seriously, taking Atsushi’s face in his hands and pressing their foreheads together. “You must live every day. You can’t disrupt the natural course of your life. If you do, we won’t be allowed to reunite in heaven. That’s another condition.” Hide’s eyes saddened. “So please, promise me you’ll live every day.” Hide kissed him again. “You must.”  
Atsushi could feel Hide’s pleading spirit with every kiss pressed to his lips. “Alright, Hide,” he agreed at last. “I promise.” I don’t want to ruin this, he thought. If he asked me to cut off my right arm, to give up singing, to jump off a cliff, I would do it…   
“It feels so good to be in your arms again, Acchan,” Hide whispered in a childish voice. “I have missed the warmth of your body next to mine.”   
“So have I,” Atsushi smiled wide. “I feel like my heart will burst open from happiness.”   
“I promised you, I would never again love anyone else.” Hide reminded him. “So don’t you dare go falling in love with anyone else, either.”  
Atsushi kissed Hide’s nose playfully. “Heaven strike me down if I ever so much as look at another man, Hide.” He gazed into Hide’s eyes seriously. “I will never love anyone as I have loved you.”  
“Good,” Hide laughed. God, I’ve missed that sound, Atsushi thought happily. How wonderful it is to hear it again…   
Laughter turned into soft kisses, and soft kisses in turn became familiar moans of delight. The night marched on. 

Atsushi was woken up by the sunlight flooding into his room – he was alone. 

“Was last night a dream?” he thought aloud. Getting out of bed and looking at himself in the mirror, he understood that Hide’s visit had been very real – there were scratches and love-bites littering his pale white skin and the smell of his cologne hung in the air. Atsushi smiled.   
So, he’s become an angel after all, he thought happily. What will I do with myself for a whole month, now? Atsushi dressed, noting that he for once, after all this time, hadn’t woken up crying. If this is what my life will be like from now on, perhaps it will be easier. He tried to soften the smile that had found its way across his lips, but couldn’t stifle his happiness. 

Hide – 

You’ve come back to me. What an incredible gift you’ve given me; we have another chance at happiness. How many lovers can say that? I will keep your return a secret, forever. Truthfully, I sometimes cannot believe that this is happening. Again and again I will remember that you are gone, but you will always return to remind me that you’re always watching over me. And the nights we will get to spend together, until the time we are reunited in heaven… my hands tremble at the thought of you lying next to me once more. I have forgotten how to enjoy the daytime, I long for the evenings so much. 

Until the next full moon, when I can hold you in my arms and rest, I will think of nothing else. Play and sing sweetly for the gods in heaven so that you can return swiftly to me, my love. 

\- Atsushi


End file.
